💚 Actually a Green Flag

Red Flag Level

You communicate. You apologise when you're wrong. You don't ghost, you don't gaslight, and you don't have a folder of receipts organised by emotional damage done. That's genuinely rare and you should be slightly smug about it.

We're not saying you're perfect — but compared to the average man stumbling through a relationship like a Roomba hitting furniture, you're doing suspiciously well. Your partner either has no idea how lucky they are, or they do and they're terrified of losing you. Either way: keep going, don't get comfortable, and maybe share this calculator so your mates can learn something.

Calculated at ezcalc.org

🟡 Minor Incidents

Red Flag Level

You're not a disaster — but you've got a few habits that would make a therapist reach for their notepad. The occasional disappearing act. The apology that's more "let's move on" than "I was wrong." The ex or two who you've quietly filed under "she was the problem."

You're workable. You're not irredeemable. But you've got just enough red in you that someone patient is currently making excuses for you in their group chat. They're saying "he's trying" and "you don't know him like I do." Be the person that justifies that belief — or do everyone a favour and figure your stuff out before the next relationship becomes another story that starts with "he was fine at first."

Calculated at ezcalc.org

🟠 Pattern Emerging

Red Flag Level

Okay so here's the thing. Individually, each of your behaviours has an excuse. But together? Together they're starting to form a recognisable shape. A shape that people on TikTok make three-minute videos about. A shape that gets screenshot and sent to group chats with no caption because none is needed.

You ghost when things get hard. You keep score. You get defensive before she's finished her sentence. You've called at least one ex crazy with absolutely zero self-reflection. This isn't a red flag — it's a red flag collection. You're not a bad person, but right now you are absolutely someone's "he had so much potential" story. The patterns are there. The question is whether you're going to notice them before they cost you something you actually care about.

Calculated at ezcalc.org

🚩 Walking Red Flag

Red Flag Level

Congratulations. You are the plot twist in someone's life that they will be telling a therapist about in four years. You don't text back. You disappear during conflict like a magician but with worse vibes. You get defensive the moment someone raises a feeling in your presence. You have exes you've fully diagnosed as insane without once considering that you were also there.

The wildest part? You probably think you're pretty normal. You think this is just "how guys are." It's not. This is how you specifically are, and it's a problem specifically for everyone who tries to love you. Someone right now is convincing themselves you're worth the chaos. They are wrong, and deep down you might already know that. Do something with that information.

Calculated at ezcalc.org

☢️ Hazardous

Red Flag Level

There should be a sign on you. Like the ones on chemical storage units. "Warning: contents unstable, do not apply directly to someone with a secure attachment style."

Every ex is crazy. Every argument is the other person overreacting. Every time you go quiet for days it's "needing space." Every apology is a ceasefire, not a reckoning. You've built an entire ecosystem where you're never wrong, never the problem, and somehow always surrounded by difficult people. Shocking. Truly.

Someone is currently in a bathroom crying over you and telling their friend "but he's not always like this." That sentence — that exact sentence — is the most accurate review of you that exists. You are not always like this. But you are like this enough that it's defining you. This is the part where you either grow or keep collecting casualties.

Calculated at ezcalc.org

💀 Condemned. Do Not Enter.

Red Flag Level

You are a heritage site of emotional unavailability. A landmark. A cautionary tale so complete that it could be taught in schools. Your exes have a group chat. They have a name for you in it. It is not flattering.

You don't text back. You don't show up. You don't apologise. You get defensive at the speed of light, you've declared every person who ever loved you to be unhinged, and your emotional availability makes a boarded-up building look warm and inviting. The vault isn't protecting you — it's just making sure no one can reach you when you eventually need them.

Here's the part you don't want to hear: someone loved you. Maybe more than one person. They bent themselves into shapes trying to make it work with you, and you watched them do it and still gave them nothing. That's not strength. That's not mystery. That's damage you've decided to make everyone else pay for. The calculator is not the problem. You know what the problem is.

Calculated at ezcalc.org